It’s another Friday and another chance to dive in with the writers who meet up at Kate Motaung’s blog Heading Home to join in for an abandoned and unedited five minutes of writing. Writing to see where it goes with no limits other than 1..2..3..4..5. It’s pretty sweet and I am so blessed to be a part of it. This is my third week. I should add that I began doing Five Minute Friday’s a few years ago, but I never was able to commit to a long run. This is my first year at Kate’s and I am standing firm in my resolve to jump in weekly.
I’d like to invite you to join along. You can link up here or even journal along. Give it a shot!
Today’s prompt is – CONTROL (Did anyone else hear some old school Janet Jackson?)
Kind of menacing right? Not Janet…just the word.
Thanks again to my wonderful husband Scott Blackwell for the picture and reminder that my road to total control is closed.
Let’s Go!
Sometimes you just don’t know what to write. First let me just say that anyone who knows me would not say that I suffer from control or control issues. That is unless the definition of control has changed to “complete and utter chaos as witnessed by Kelly Blackwell’s automobile interior.” Sorry. It is just a fact. But there was a time when control took hold of me and held me like a vice.
When I think of the word control, I am thrown back to my childhood, teendom and early college. I spent many years struggling with anorexia, and for a long time everyone said it was all about control. I can’t say exactly how it started. I remember being surrounded by adults on diets. I remember having my first Diet 7 Up and my friend let me tell you…this was back when Diet ANYTHING did not taste amazing! They didn’t have artificial sweeteners that actually tasted good even if not exactly like sugar. Back in the day it was all about saccharine and it was not a treat. It was a test of fortitude.
My aunt who happened to be one of the coolest people I know, and still is for that matter, was always on a diet and drank Diet 7-Up, Tab, Diet Rite and Fresca. Of course I wanted to be cool, so I began taking little sips of these beverages. They were not tasty, BUT I felt very grown up. I recall being about 10 years old. I think it started at just that. This desire to be a grown up.
As I grew older, it became my distinction and perhaps a source of pride when I could eat a baked potato with nothing on it but pepper, and diet sodas may have tasted gross to my friends, but I could handle it. In high school my life was uprooted, and I was moved from California to Rhode Island. I slowed down on the diet beverages because I lived with my brother and sister-in-law, but I began to do weird things to my food like adding hot sauce to everything because I wanted it to speed up my metabolism. I also worked out as much as possible. I also realized I could so something none of the women in my family really could, I could beat cravings into the ground. I also impressed all my relatives with my push ups, sit-ups, and body whittling tricks. Control? I don’t know. Maybe a little.
In college, everything went haywire. The rituals really took over. I would get a large SOLO cup and one snack bag of Doritos from the college cafeteria. I’d fill the cup with ice water and bring it back to the office where I was a student worker. I would then proceed to eat one Dorito and drink the entire glass of water. Once I was finished with the water I would go back for a refill and then allow myself another Dorito. Eventually it was the water first and then the chip. That is just one of the quirks I had. I could go on and on.
Yes, for me and my anorexia, control became an issue. It wasn’t about me controlling my environment. Food and my body was not the only thing I could control in my chaotic life. Anorexia itself controlled me. Food controlled me. Opinion controlled me. Pride controlled me. I controlled nothing.
Still don’t, actually. But the good news is, I don’t have to control anything. God is in control. I can let go and let God. I can release control over to the one who can handle it far better than I.
I can now hold tight to Philippians 4:6-7
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all [a]comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Stop
Hey thanks so much for stopping by. And I am saying that to every lovely writer who stops by here and all those spammers who currently are my biggest fans. Â xoxo
Kelly, I’m so sorry to read about your struggle. Wow, that solo cup/dorrito scenario. Here’s what interests me about your story. We really have no control over anything in life–other people, our circumstances, opinions. Even our performance is limited by what God gave us to start with. But the one thing we can control is ourselves, yet that’s where we give UP control. We let ourselves be controlled by others, by our circumstances, by opinions, by our limited ability to perform.
I’m so glad that we belong to a Father who sets us free. Sometimes even free to have control over ourselves. Thanks for sharing this… it sparked some new ideas for me. Would you mind if I shared your dorito story sometime? You can connect with me @ shanpopkin@gmail.com or my author page on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shanpopkin/. Thanks so much.
Hi Shannon, I am grateful for God’s grace and mercy and for getting me to the other side. I am also so grateful for all the stories that I have read today and yesterday. God has shown me so many courageous people! 🙂 I appreciated what you shared here and on FMF. You have blessed me. As for my Dorito chip story, this is the first time I’ve shared this beyond my group therapy from back in the day. It is embarrassing to have to admit the things one will put themselves through, but I think it helps others. Anyway, yes, you can share. 🙂 Thank you for visiting. God bless you. 🙂
Interesting how when we think we are in control, we are actually being controlled by other things in our lives. How freeing it is when we realize that we don’t have to be in control! Thank you for an insightful post and thanks for visiting my blog earlier!
Blessings to you! Glad you’re a part of Five Minute Friday! 🙂
It is rather shocking when we realize how tables shift from our control to being controlled. I really enjoyed visiting your blog. Thanks for stopping by here. You made my day. 🙂
Thank you for sharing. I am thankful for a God who reaches down and lay holds of us and gives us the strength to release control. Blessings!
Thank you for coming by today! I have been so blessed by your posts and your visits. 🙂
What a massive journey you have been on – thanks so much for being willing to share your story, it is so powerful and interesting to hear about the reasons of control behind those behaviours… and also the desire to be a grown up leading you into the ‘diet’ world – such a convicting thought about the way we as adults communicate meaning to the younger generation. Really loved reading that!
Thanks so much for coming by. It means a lot. I am definitely grateful to be on the other side of the issue, and it definitely gave me a cold reminder of what the “little eyes” around me see. Thanks for the encouragement!
I’ve only been doing FMF since the start of this year, too: I’d heard about it and lurked a bit for a while, but decided to dive in this year. I like the commitment of the weekly prompts and I like getting to know the FMF community a little bit.
I thought that was really insightful how you say toward the end that you actually weren’t in control at all — that all those things like pride, food, etc. were actually controlling you. Of course that’s true, isn’t it? The control we think we have is often just an illusion. Thanks for sharing your story. Letting go is hard but God wants this freedom for us.
I am really getting to enjoy this time of discovering myself and the other wonderful people of FMF. Jeannie, thank you so much for stopping by. It really is such a blessing when someone takes the time to reach out. Have a wonderful week!
Stopping by your blog since you stopped by mine!
Seriously, though – what a testimony of what healing can come when we let God take control of everything in our lives. I went through a serious, never diagnosed, bout of depression that verged on suicidal in my late teens/early 20s. It controlled everything in my life until I started trusting God to control it. The road to healing hasn’t been easy, but it’s so worth it.
Cat, I am so glad that you came by. 🙂 And I am glad I stopped by your blog too.
God really can do so much with our lives, I think sometimes we just let fear get in the way. I know my own fear stepped in front of the Lord’s plans for far too long. I am glad to be handing over the reigns FINALLY 🙂 Though I know that even all I’ve been through (all we’ve all been through) can and will be used for His glory. 🙂
Thanks again truly for visiting! 🙂
Kelly, I appreciate your vulnerability. I’m finding that these FMF posts draw out my non exposed parts. It’s redeeming to realize, that as I write, God has transformed them into significant milestone markers in my journey of knowing more of Him. Many of those areas involve power struggles between me and trusting in He who created me. Control is a central theme. Yet, in the end, I am reminded that God always has my back.
I like this thought Stephanie. Milestone markers in your journey of knowing more of Him. That truly is a goal of mine for this year. I hope that I will be able to see growth and change. Though I must admit, I can be sometimes just plain silly. It isn’t an attempt to not dig deep, but sometimes it is just where I am at.
Thank you for visiting. You blessed my day.